"Oooh, Shiny!" -- Why Avatar is an Overrated Piece of Shit, and Why You're Stupid For Liking It

There's a pretty solid chance that you've seen Avatar by now. According to statistics, every single person on Earth and three-quarters of the animal population have subjected themselves to it, and are now fellating the shit out of it as if it were Jesus Christ himself come down from Heaven to bequeath us with spunk-flavoured salvation. As you may have guessed from the rather inflammatory title of this review, I am not one such person, easily swayed by fancy 3D effects and glowing flora. Yes, Avatar is a very pretty movie, and yes the world of Pandora is rather well-realized. But is it a good movie? No. Does it deserve to be making the ten million billion dollars per day that it seems to be making now? Hell no. Does it deserve to exist in the same storytelling medium as such classics as Gran Torino, No Country for Old Men, Citizen Kane, or Big Black Bootiez 2 and 5? Fuck no. Here's why.

The Story

The Last Samurai in space. No, seriously. Think about it:

In The Last Samurai, Nathan Algren, a former soldier who is now an alcoholic, is given another chance and a job training the Imperial Japanese Army so they can clear out the Samurai people, who refuse to accept the Emperor's Westernization policy. During his first battle, Algren is captured, and taken to the Samurai home, where he is instructed in their culture, their skills, and their way of life. Gradually, he realizes that he feels more at home with the Samurai than he ever did with his own people, and when the Imperial Army attacks, Algren fights to defend the people he has come to love. He miraculously survives a Gatling gun onslaught.

In Avatar, Jake Sully, a former marine who is now a paraplegic, is given another chance and a job gathering intel for a corporate/military mining entity so they can clear out the Na'vi people, who refuse to get the fuck out of the way so we can bulldoze their shit. During his first research / recon expedition, Jake is separated from his team, and taken to the Na'vi home, where he is instructed in their culture, their skills, and their way of life. Gradually, he realizes that he feels more at home with the Na'vi than he ever did with his own people, and when the humans attack, Jake fights to defend the people he has come to love. He miraculously survives riding unprotected on a dragon-beast's back into a hail of machine gun fire, and a fucking knife fight with a fucking big-ass robot. Seriously.

Now, I realize, pretty much every movie ever shares similarities with other ones. But why Avatar makes my blood boil is that it seems every single major plot point is ripped straight from another movie. Even the movie's one saving grace as far as originality is concerned--the idea of people mentally transferred into a surrogate body (see what I did there?)--has been done before, although less often. (Hint: it was done in Surrogates, among others that I cannot recall at the moment.)

The Characters

Where they aren't downright annoying, they're cliché. We've got such original gems as "Stuck-Up Scientist Who Insults Marine's Intellect"; "Wise-Cracking, Smart-Talking Aircraft Pilot"; "Nerdy Guy Who is Jealous of Marine's Success, Since Marine Has Inferior Training, Experience, and Skills"; "Corporate President Who Doesn't Care About Anything but Profit"; "Gruff, Battle-Scarred, Foul-Mouthed Army Commander Dude"... need I go on?

Even the acting can't save these shittily-constructed cardboard-cutouts. It's not that it's necessarily poor... but it's almost aggressively average. All of the actors do a thoroughly meh-worthy job. Like I said, not horrible, necessarily, but am I wrong for wanting and, damn it, expecting better than average for such an over-hyped movie? Shit no.

The Presentation

Avatar is a damn pretty movie; I'll give it that. But that seems to be its crutch, the shiny knock-off jewellery that James Cameron continually tries to peddle to us. Cameron attempts to hide the movie's shortcomings under a layer of gloss so thick that it can blind you if you look directly at it. Sure, he allegedly spent a shit-ton of time working out the intricacies of all the flora and fauna... but why is it that some of the creatures are basically things we already have on Earth? Example: the "horses" that the Na'vi ride. They are horses, only the head looks like that of a seahorse. And it has two extra legs. He even used regular horse sounds for some of the noises they make. Then we have the cross between an elephant and a hammerhead shark, etc. etc. Sorry, James Cameron, if I wanted to see a bunch of amalgamations of different animals I'd go drop a few tabs of acid.

All in all, the word that best describes Avatar isn't necessarily 'shitty'--though don't get me wrong, I still think it's a piece of shit--it's 'safe.' The acting? Not good, but not horrendously bad. The characters? Familiar enough in an archetypal sense that the average moviegoer won't find fault with them, etc.

In summation: don't watch Avatar. Don't fill James Cameron's pockets more than they already have been; he deserves none of it. If you can't do that, then at least stop telling fucking everybody how it changed your life. Your life has been changed by James Cameron's intense love of the colour blue. Congrats.

Oh, and I almost forgot; the movie's worst offense to mankind:

Sigourney Weaver is Almost Naked at One Point

Not cool, James Cameron. Not fucking cool.